You Are Here

I figure there is a reason why maps at the mall tell you where you are and every program for driving directions starts with point A. You need to know your current location in order to place yourself on the map.

So where am I?

I am a stay at home mom to two young boys. I've always wanted to be a mom even though parenting with thoughtfulness is incredibly difficult. There are days when I would give just about anything for their naps to overlap by 20 minutes or for an easy trip to the store (any store). I have a lot of education and loved working, so the decision to stay home did not come easily. But the delights of parenting outweigh the intensity of the work for me. So this part of my identity feels authentically me.

I spend much of my time cooking and cleaning. I was never a tidy person and didn't know much about cleaning when I reached adulthood. Funnily enough I've taught myself well and my former college roomate shocked me on her last visit by saying I was so organized I should consider selling my homemaking binder. I still struggled with seeing myself as organized, but I think this is an area where I can really transform my own sense of myself. Maybe I'm not the disorganized, procrastinating slob I used to be. And even more powerfully, maybe I never was.

Which leads me to wonder where I feel inauthentic. Where have I allowed others to define me? I feel that my weight and activity level don't reflect me. I had a day for myself over the holidays and I hiked and rode my bicycle. I love being outdoors but rarely take the opportunity. I was at a healthier weight before I met my husband, but had already started the climb back up the scale. It's amazing how I've let others define this part of my identity. At 192 pounds my family began to comment on how unhealthy I looked and that I had gotten too thin. I need to find a way to quiet those voices.

This is just the beginning of this process for me: sifting through my experiences and roles to see which feel like a vital part of myself, and which feel like a too tight bridesmaids dress. Then I can metaphorically donate those dresses just as I've rid my closet of their literal counterparts!

Testing 1, 2, 3

I had a few ideas for a second post but the universe is already testing my resolve to be more of myself. I just found out that my inlaws were coming into town before taking a flight to Hawaii. The inlaws I had just recently decided to stop trying so hard to win over. I figured after 7 years of trying it was good to speak the truth, I just didn't realize I'd be speaking that truth so soon!

They will be here tonight and leave for the airport at 9am. They hadn't shared their plans with us, so I have decided that it is okay to be busy. And I am. I have my first knitting class tonight. So hubs can go visit afterwards and I will watch over our sleeping boys. I don't dislike them, but find it exhausting to try to find common ground with people who don't like me. So I won't pretend. I will abstain.

All too often I feel the need to explain myself so this will be a good test for me in many ways. I'll stop trying so hard but avoid the confrontation of making them or others see my side. In theory. We'll see how well I do!

The Quest

I am a goal setting junkie. The high holiday of all goal setters, resolution makers, and transformation addicts has passed and I feel as though I didn't celebrate the New Year so much as survive it. I have a 4 month old, a toddler, a dog and a husband, all of whom have their expectations. My New Year's Eve and much of this following week have been consumed with a brief health emergency and then all of the stabilization that comes in the wake of urgency.

So what is a goal setting fan to do?

I do have a new purpose statement: to contribute my best and highest self. But that has left me with an excellent question. What does that best and highest self look like? I am a wife and mother, and I love those roles but I know that I am greater than the sum of my parts. So I'm off to see the wizard, so to speak. Is possible to have an identity quest minus the crisis? (We have plenty of crisis around here already!)

I plan to find out.